


Pain

by i_heart_danchou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19249936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_heart_danchou/pseuds/i_heart_danchou
Summary: Atop the battered roofs of Shiganshina, Levi must make an impossible decision.





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This one killed me. Hiroshi Kamiya killed me. Hiroyuki Sawano killed me.

_Kill the beast titan.  Kill the beast titan._

Over and over the words play in Levi’s mind; it helps him fight the exhaustion, it helps keep him on his feet.  It focuses him, it keeps him steady.  

_Erwin’s dead.  You told him to die and he’s dead now, you’ll never see him aga— Kill the beast titan.  Kill the beast titan.  You swore to him, Levi.  You swore._

The intrusive thoughts permeate his mind and he shakes them off.  Erwin didn’t die for nothing, as long as he takes that hairy bastard down then this all had meaning— please, please!

Levi’s running low on gas now, he doesn’t have enough blades to fight.  He can see his promise fizzling out before him, can see that monster getting away, can almost imagine the disappointment in Erwin’s eyes.  

_You let him down, Levi.  You promised him, you failed.  Erwin died for nothing._

So he won’t give up, he gives chase and follows that thing as far as he can. He spots Eren on the rooftop and his hope rises for a moment; there’s a chance now, he can give chase and kill the beast once and for all.  

Eren’s about to give his equipment over, then a desperate little noise distracts him.  A charred body— Armin? Fuck,— lies on the tiles at their feet and… it’s breathing.  Eren’s desperation is obvious as he demands the syringe, and Levi hesitates.  

_Erwin.  Erwin might be alive, he might be dying out in that field, he— he’s all alone out there, he’s probably in pain, might not be lucid, I… Erwin.  I want to give the injection to Erwin, please, please._

There’s no time for hesitation, and Eren’s becoming increasingly agitated.  Mikasa’s there too now, their eyes are on Levi and he knows he can’t stall forever.  His hair falls over his eyes.  

_It’s too late.  Erwin is dead.  Don’t waste this chance._

He ruefully hands the syringe over, chiding himself for hoping.  His heart is foolish and aching.  Erwin is gone, and letting this child die isn’t going to bring him back.  

Still.  He feels like he’s signing Erwin’s death certificate as he passes the box to Eren.  Abandoning all hope, giving up on him, removing any possible chance for…

Floch’s appearance is sudden and unexpected.  Levi’s heart soars as he sees Erwin’s beautiful blond hair glinting in the sun.  The beast titan is forgotten, his vow at the back of his mind.  There is only one goal now, only one thing that matters.  

_Save Erwin._

His eyes are wide, his mind swimming.  Levi takes the box back and clutches it to his chest.  He’d almost given it away, he’d almost killed Erwin… fuck, fuck!  There’s still a chance, he… he’s happy and relieved and he can’t believe that after a whole life of losses and failures he’s been blessed with this chance.  

_Save Erwin._

He lets out a shuddering breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, and he rushes to help.  

The wounds are… bad.  Life threatening, agonizing; they don’t have time to mess around.  Floch is being too rough with the commander, and Levi gently eases him off the boy’s back, resting him on the roof tiles as delicately as he can.  

Erwin’s skin is warm, his chest rises and falls and his moist breath tickles Levi’s palm.  

“He’s breathing.”  He says, maybe more to convince himself than anyone else.  “He’s alive.”  

It’s impossible, the odds astronomical, but he’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive.  There’s hope for humanity and it’s bleeding out on the shattered tiles of this roof.  

Eren and Mikasa must realize what this means, and their hackles raise and they move into defensive positions.  

“I’m giving this injection to Erwin.”  He clarifies.  It feels good to say it, it feels good to hear it.  Erwin is going to live.  Erwin is going to survive.  

Eren moves into Levi’s personal space and demands the syringe.  Mikasa stands with her blades drawn, glaring daggers at Levi.  

Levi doesn’t blame them.  If the situation were reversed, surely he would go to similar lengths to get the injection back for Erwin.  They’re young, they’re blind, they don’t understand.  So he’s calm, he’s patient, and he explains his reasoning.  Erwin is the hope of mankind, Erwin will lead humanity to victory, Erwin is everything.

Levi is not a man who is easily intimidated, and although the boy has a height advantage, Levi does not stand down.  

“You… you said you’d give the injection to Armin.”

Levi doesn’t scoff.  Two lives hang in the balance, this isn’t a joke, but… he wants to be clear, he wants them to understand.  

“I’m reviving the one who can save humanity.”  He says calmly, but his heart is racing.  Erwin is bleeding out, they don’t have fucking time for this.  Mikasa is advancing on him, and Levi feels exhausted.  Children.  They’re fucking children.  “Do you have the faintest damn clue what you’re doing?”  He demands, keeping his voice calm and steady.  “This is Erwin.  He’s the commander of the Survey Corps.  You just want to watch him die?”  They don’t even see that their choice will leave Erwin to rot… they don’t care that they’re screaming and begging so that another human being will bleed to death.

“I don’t have time for this.  Get out of my way.”

Eren resorts to physical force then, but Levi has always been stronger.

“Eren.  Keep your feelings out of this.”

The boy is unstable, trembling, crying.  “MY feelings???  Why did you hesitate before???”

There’s an accusation in his words, an ugly insinuation that Levi can’t deny.  You hesitated because your fucking boyfriend is in the mix, right?  You hesitated because your gay ass couldn’t stand to let blondie go!

Levi can’t deny that.  He’s not ashamed of his love for Erwin, he never has been.  He won’t allow his love to be used as a weapon.  “I was considering the possibility that Erwin might be alive.”  Of course he was.  What else could it have been?  

Eren tries to take the box from him in earnest.  Levi strikes him then, knocks half his teeth out and it’s satisfying as hell.  Mikasa launches into the air, the sharp end of her blade pressed against Levi’s neck.  He can’t conjure anger, he’s so exhausted— Erwin’s dying beside them, there’s no time, there’s no time!  Mikasa wails like an infant and he still tries to reason with her.  They deserve to understand this choice.

They scream, they cry, they beg.  It doesn’t matter, Erwin is getting the injection.  Still… Mikasa is stronger than he realized, Mikasa is motivated just as Levi himself is.  He needs help, and he’s not sure where to get it.  

He’s grateful for Floch’s intervention, at least… he was, until he hears the man speak.  He tells a story of desperate violence beyond the walls.  He describes the scene of carnage and Levi’s stomach drops.

Levi imagines Erwin with his guts hanging out in the middle of a blood soaked field.  His loyal horse gasping in agony beside him, his consciousness fading, his strength ebbing out of him.  Perhaps he was proud, perhaps remorseful… Levi wonders if Erwin had seen him take down the beast titan, or if he’d been blinded by his injury before the fruits of his sacrifice were reaped.  

“When I found the commander, I was going to finish him off.”

He imagines Floch… this upstart, this angry young man who blames Erwin for everything, approaching the man that he loves with a blade in his hand.  Perhaps Erwin sees him, eyes wide, the sun glinting off the metal.  Would he embrace death? Fear it?  No.  Floch doesn’t have the stones to kill someone who is staring him in the face.  The Erwin in his mind is like the one on the roof: beautiful, bleeding, departed.  

Was it mercy?  Was it anger?  The boy is reeling, and Levi feels sick.  He’s glad, so glad, that Erwin didn’t die at the end of this boy’s blade.    
  
“But that’s going too easy on him. I thought he ought to taste more of this hell.”

Throughout their time together, people have always badmouthed Erwin.  To his face, behind his back, in front of Levi… it’s nothing new.  Yet Levi had never heard someone reveling in Erwin’s suffering before.  This child who knows nothing of the demons Erwin had battled, the pain and despair he surmounted every day and continued to fight… Erwin deserves to… suffer?

Levi searches for humanity on this rooftop. He finds it in Erwin, in the steady rise and fall of his chest, in the stump of his arm and the commander’s emerald. His gaze finds Armin, fighting for life… and then… these _people_.  A boy having a hissy fit, a girl throwing a tantrum, begging for the light of Levi’s life to die and… this… _Floch_ … speaking of Erwin like he’s garbage, like he’s nothing.

He calls Erwin a devil, and Levi’s nausea peaks.  Erwin is brilliant, he’s brave, he’s selfless, he’s _human_.  He’s everything to Levi, and it makes him sick to hear him disrespected in such a way.  

He imagines Floch roughly grabbing their commander, patching him up just long enough that he could be dragged up to this roof.  He imagines Erwin groaning in pain as he’s jostled about, perhaps questioning the course of events, wondering where he was or… how he was robbed of all agency.  Perhaps a soft little noise escapes his lips, maybe he says Levi’s name.  He feels sick.  

Hanji arrives then, and somehow manages to talk Mikasa down before she lashes out further.  Levi is unmoved by her wailing, and draws up the injection for Erwin.  A clammy hand grabs his boot and he stares down at Eren, desperately begging him to reconsider.  

Dreams.  Oceans.  Children.  They’re so pitiful.  He doesn’t kick the boy away, because he knows how hard this is for him.  Levi understands, even if it angers him.  

Mikasa and Eren are dragged away, and Levi is glad for the silence.  His mind is racing.

Armin’s ocean…. Erwin’s dream… he thinks of Kenny too.  Levi has never responded to crying or begging, it’s not about to start working now.  Everyone’s a slave to something.  

He kneels down beside Erwin and is relieved to see he’s still breathing.  Levi is gentle and careful as he rolls Erwin’s sleeve up.  Idly he thinks how muscular he is, how strong he is, how nice it’ll be to have both Erwin’s arms wrapped around him again.  

_Save Erwin._

The needle barely touches Erwin’s skin and the man flinches away, his hand shooting into the air like a schoolchild.  

Levi’s eyes go wide.  “Erwin??”  The realization hits him and his eyes go wide.

_Erwin doesn’t want this.  Erwin doesn’t want to be made into a titan._

The commander is mumbling something… something about a teacher, about humans… he’s not aware, he’s dreaming and he doesn’t know where he is.  His father, surely.  He’s a child again, he’s that same little boy with a dream that he always was.  Erwin’s eyes are glazed and unfocused, and it breaks Levi’s heart to see him like this.  

_He doesn’t want this.  He’s done so much already, he’s given us everything— EVERYTHING.  How… how can we ask him to…_

Levi needs Erwin.  He needs to feel his warm skin against his own in the mornings, he needs something to look up to, something to reach for.  He needs him to live, his life lacks color and music without him.    
  
And yet…

Levi’s promise seeps back into his mind.  That he’d made the choice, that he’d told Erwin to die… that… for the first time in as long as Levi could remember, Erwin seemed… peaceful.  Erwin had smiled at him then, an angelic, serene, gentle smile which he would burn into his memories for the rest of his life.  

Levi’s choice had given Erwin peace.  Levi’s order had absolved Erwin of his sins, allowed him to redeem himself… that smile.  That beautiful, beautiful smile.  

_Levi… thank you._

He takes in a shuddering breath as he realizes what he must do.  Erwin deserves better than this.  Deserves better than Eren and Mikasa begging for his death, deserves better than Floch calling him a monster.  

Humanity needs Erwin.  Humanity won’t survive without his brilliant mind, his ruthless strategy, his charisma, his experience…

Humanity can go fuck itself.  

Humanity doesn’t deserve him.

Levi gently collects Erwin and brings him a safe distance so that he won’t be harmed by the ensuing titan transformation.  He wants everything to be peaceful for him, he wants the rest of his life to be painless, calm, and warm.  He presses a kiss to his forehead.  “I’ll be right back.”  He promises, and hastily gives Armin the injection.  

A weak, stringy titan is born, and Levi doesn’t look at it.  Erwin’s titan would have been magnificent… strong, tall, beautiful but… it’s too late now.  

Floch and Hanji are in attendance, incredulous and despairing that Erwin Smith is dying before their eyes.   They must think Levi a fool, or a madman, but it doesn’t matter.  

He tries to explain his choice.

Erwin’s humanity was more important than the rest of humanity.  Erwin’s peace mattered more than the war they faced, than the enemies that flanked them… his happiness mattered more than Levi’s.  He deserved peace, he deserved to rest.  It wasn’t fair to drag him back to… to this. To make him a monster, to force him to live in this nightmare.  

Erwin Smith would die as a man, his humanity and dignity intact.  Nothing else matters.  

Levi was prepared to face a lifetime of empty beds, absent touches, and desperate loneliness to preserve that smile that Erwin had given him.  He was prepared to rip his own heart into pieces so that Erwin could rest.

They’d never understand.  No one would.

He promises Erwin that he’ll kill the beast titan, and Hanji informs him that Erwin is already dead.

Her words hang in the air and cut through Levi’s soul.  His eyes widen, the news hits him, and his heart clenches with a pain that he never imagined possible.  He knew Erwin was dying but… to hear he was actually… _dead_ … he…. oh fuck.  He stands by his choice.  He has to, he can’t keep it together otherwise.  It hurts.  It hurts.  It hurts and he wishes he were dead too.  

“I see.”  He manages, and he wonders if he has the strength to keep standing.  Erwin’s eyes are glassy and dull, his skin is clammy and grey.  His blood has soaked through his uniform, and time stands still.  He’ll never speak to Erwin again, never again hear his silky deep voice, he… fuck.  He missed his chance to say goodbye.

Erwin Smith is dead.  

Levi doesn’t want to touch him now, doesn’t think he deserves to.  The body is hollow and empty, and for a moment he blames himself.  The light vanishes from Levi’s world.  Voices fall on deaf ears, and Levi is numb.  He did it for Erwin.  He did it for Erwin.  

Levi knows the remainder of his life will be a painful struggle.  He is driven forward only, _only_ to keep his promise to Erwin.  Once the beast titan falls… then Levi can rest too.

Levi never smiles again.  His eyes lose their sparkle, his life loses purpose.  He lays Erwin to rest and leaves his heart is there with him, rotting away to nothing beside the golden commander.  


End file.
